YOU TOO CAN HAVE THE PERFECT WOMAN

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YOU TOO CAN HAVE THE PERFECT WOMAN

Let me just say that the title to this piece is a bit overstated as there are actually no Perfect Women that live on this Planet. However, there are some that come pretty darn close because they have the 4 Things that make them as perfect as they can be. Two of those things come naturally and although they can be developed over time, they either got it, or they do not. The other two are learned traits and they can be influenced by what we do, us men, that is.

You might be wondering already what a Professional Gambler is doing writing about this subject but you should wonder no more. Having this most important part of your personal life in order, will make you a better bettor and those that don't have it are destined to fail. There is an old saying that goes something like this. "Behind every good man, there is a good woman." We can tweak that to say something like, "Behind every successful gambler, there is a good woman."

Let's Look at these Four Things that make Women as Perfect as they can be...

1. Nice Mogambos
2. Sweet Britches
3. Willing to Share Toys
4. Good Housekeeping Skills

Let me first note that the Toys referenced in #3 are #1 and #2. It is sort of the "How Much is that Doggie in the Window" thing. If she is unwilling to share often, then it does not matter how much the Doggie is because justing looking is no fun at all. We can also note that Doggie's do cost money and in most cases, the better the Doggie, the more you have to pay for the Doggie. Having a Woman is nothing more than legalizied prostitution and the sooner we realize that, the better we can understand what makes her tick. The sooner we understand the what makes her tick, the sooner we can then train her to be a good Doggie.

I do want to make it clear with Thing #1 that often Bigger is Better but it does not always have to be that way. I have seen plenty of those Things and can attest to what I say. Perky is better than Floppy but of course Big and UnFloppy is the best. The Main thing is that she takes care of them and shares them with you.There are going to be a lot of you that will disagree with what I say above because it is the "Politically Correct" thing to do. Things like, "My Girl has a great smile, a wonderful sense of humor, cares for others, loves kids." But we know what you are really saying don't we? Those britches are not as sweet as you would like, right?

Now that we agree what makes a woman as perfect as she can be, we can move forward with a plan of action. You will notice that I have not covered Thing #4 yet because it is the one thing that most fail at. Case in point is my second wife. She had #1 and #2 covered to the Max and #3 was her absolute best. But Boy did she fail at number four. It was so bad that I would go weeks without wearing underwear, partly because of #1, #2, and #3 but mostly due to #4. You have to realize that when you are engaged in playing with her Toys, Good Housekeeping Skills are even more important as you tend to rifle through underwear at a high rate. This was and is why I developed my system of training women and since wife #2, it has been working to perfection. By the way, wife #2 proved in the end that she was a good housekeeper, as she reminded me at the divorce hearing that she was keeping the house. She still lives there now.

THE PLAN OF ACTION
There are two things of note here. Betting sports can be nerve racking at times and your woman has to realize that. She has to understand when the game is in the last two minutes, she is not to start a conversation about Uncle Jimmy's gall bladder operation, or whether or not we should get our youngest child braces. Some women just don't get it and they never will. If that is what you are experiencing, here is the best course of action. Send her to the Mall. Women love Malls. Yes, it is going to cost you some money. Remember Doggie's do. Luckily for us, most all major corporations are still controlled by us, men that is. That is why most malls schedule their biggest sales around large sporting events. They know we need help and they are there to help us. The New Spring Fashions come out during March Madness. The Christmas Shopping Season is right in the Middle of Football Season. It is physically impossible for any woman to spend less than 2 hours in the Mall. Once they get in their, their little heads start spinning, they must try on lot's of stuff, they must have a cookie or a pretzel. However, most sporting events last longer than 2 hours and so you must tell her to call you when she leaves the Mall. That will give you the chance to keep her occupied for a while longer....

Actual Conversation
You: "Hey Baby did you have fun shopping?"
Her: "Oh, I bought the cutest outfit, I can't wait for you to see it."
You: "Did you have a pretzel?"
Her: "Of course."
You: "Baby, I have been craving Hot Wings all day. Can you pick up some on your way home."
Her: Yes dear, anything for my sweetie."

The Last Thing you want is for her to show up during the last 2 Minutes of the Game when you are more apt to throw your half full can of beer at her pretty new Vase. You know, the one she bought at the Mall last week during the Bronco game. Of course sometimes you just can't keep her occupied and that is where the next course of action kicks in. Get her interested in the game you are watching by using "Woman Language" easily understood by these creatures. Saying things like, "Wow, look at the Butt on #22 for the Raiders," or "Can you believe that Penn State is having a White Out Game after Labor Day?" Doing this is likely going to lead to more Toy Playing, which keeps you happy, and gives you a more relaxed atmosphere for picking winning games.

Have you ever wondered as I, why Lions don't wear pants? It is because that even though they are The King of the Jungle, they can't get their lionesses to do the laundry. This is probably the one thing that women fail at the most. However, there is hope, and utilizing my extensive education in psychology, I have devised a way to have cleaned, ironed, and folded clothing in great abundance. It has to do with "Association Training" and I promise you it works. The next time your mate is bending over to get the socks out of the dryer,sneak up from behind and give her a treat. You know what I am talking about. Just put it right in The Toy. After a couple times of doing this, she will be a laundry maniac and you will often see her loading clothes and sneaking a peak behind her, hoping to see you. This same principle can be used with other forms of housekeeping. Just use your imagination.

It is so very important that your relationship does not clash with your need and want to pick winners. It can be a happy marriage but both of you have to work at it. If your woman is failing at these issues, I encourage you to try some of these proven techniques that have worked for me. I could go on and on with this subject but I have got to go get a good bottle of wine now. It's laundry Nite Tonight.

  • Michael, that will probably be the best money you have ever spent. Some are just not trainable. Good Luck with the next one. This is happening at the best time for you with the Big Shopping Season on the way.

  • I tried your methods and was served divorce papers yesterday...

  • the perfect woman is the one u just have sex with, paid or not.......and then go about your business.....if I ever get divorced I will never remarry......I know, all of womanhood is rejoicing!

  • She does.....

  • Mozelle, I know that deep down you want me but I am already taken. By the way, noone should actually be no one, or even better, nobody. However, if you add an R to the end of that, you get Nooner. That is what I am going to do now. (smile)

  • Regarding Mozelle's comment to Greg: Doh!

  • Noone can take you seriously on this. This tells me a lot about you. I hope that whomever you are with right now has some sort of worth about herself. I will guess she will not be for long if she has worth.

  • funny stuff

  • That's my girl!! That was way too much starch on the last load of shirts but who's complaining. (smile)

  • CLEARLY, one of the BEST BLOGS EVER.........LMFAO

  • As a "doggie" that is in a relationship with a professional gambler, let me expound on Mr. Shakers theories.

    I will begin by saying that some women really enjoy sports.  I am the living, breathing proof of that.  I don't go shopping during the NCAA playoffs.  I wake up at 6am as excited as a child at Christmas on Super Bowl Sunday.  I love to bet and watch the Kentucky Derby, Belmont and the Preakness.   I can't wait for football to begin and I am actually getting my professional gambler involved in NASCAR but neither of us are willing to admit that.

    I must say that being his "doggie" has taken some getting used to.  I struggle to remember not to talk to him when the baseball cap is on and it is prior to noon on Saturday and Sunday unless I am asking if he is ready for breakfast or needs another cup of coffee.  

    I quietly ramble through the house cleaning, of course, since I am one of those that definitely has #4 under control.  He does, although, seem to get a bit stressed when I vacuum around his desk.  I must give him the credit he deserves because he does move the chair and lift up his laptop power cable so I can vacuum beneath it.  I also know he does this so I don't "accidentally" run over it with the vacuum, rendering it useless.  

    Ok, moving on to the other 3 criteria for an almost perfect woman let me explain my view.

    1.  Most all women have mogambos and men almost always like whatever is put in front of them as they are very visual creatures .  Small, Large, droopy, firm....it is irrelevant if he is in the mood to shake the mogambos.

    2.  All women can have sweet britches given the right attitude by her man.  It will come as no surprise that we women use our britches as a tool of leverage.  We know how to control our man when we choose to do so.  Ladies, if you are reading this, you also know we all do that.  

    3.  We LIKE to share our toys.  Let me repeat....WE LIKE TO SHARE our toys. (really guys, we do!)  

    The fine line that must be walked is that we have to have the right conditions, the right encouragement, the right ambiance.  A man's desire to "play" is innate and is physical.  A womans desire must be developed and encouraged in most instances.  

    In conclusion, let me say that as a woman, I did not take Mr. Shakers comments as sexist or superior.  I actually find it quite amusing because he, as most men, has not realized yet, that both men and women are "doggies" in one fashion or the other.  We both have our roles to play in relationships and that is a good thing.    

    I could go on and on about this topic but if you will excuse me, I have to go put on my stillettos and do some laundry!

  • Greg Shaker=Very Lucky Guy

  • Greg

    Very interesting & well said.  [LOL]

  • Rob, my current Doggie came fully trained and has often been known to use a few training techniques on me. She is the "One of a Kind" that you don't find often.

  • GREG SAID:

    "It is sort of the "How Much is that Doggie in the Window" thing. If she is unwilling to share often, then it does not matter how much the Doggie is because justing looking is no fun at all. We can also note that Doggie's do cost money and in most cases, the better the Doggie, the more you have to pay for the Doggie."

    Don't tell me.  You have your perfect woman wearing a collar and leash too?   Maybe we ought to get together.

    GREG SAID:

    Having a Woman is nothing more than legalizied prostitution and the sooner we realize that, the better we can understand what makes her tick.

    You are right.  It's becoming harder to find the perfect collar and leash wearing woman now that they got rid of the "Erotic Services" section at Craigs List.