What’s a Beef ‘O’Brady’s?

No sooner did I finally figure out what a Chic-Fil-A is, then along comes the Beef O’Brady Bowl.  I figure if all Beef ‘O’ Brady’s could sponsor was a minor bowl, they must be a minor business.  It turns out that’s exactly what they are -- an Irish Pub-type place that caters to the minors in your family. 

If you’ve never heard of a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s, you probably don’t live within shouting distance of Disney World.  I live in the Big Apple, and the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s locator map tells me that my nearest Beef ‘O’ Brady’s is about 350 miles away in Frederick, Maryland.  Great!  I think I’ll load the kids in the car and take the family to dinner this Sunday. 

By the way, the single quote marks around the ‘O’ are not a typo.  That’s the way the Beef ‘O’ Brady folks spell the name.  They probably got the idea from E*Trade spelled with an asterisk.

So what’s so special for kids at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s?  There’s a “Kids Menu” that is as non-descript and unimaginative as Marshall and Florida International -- the two teams in this year’s Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl.  If I asked you to tell me what’s on the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Kids’ Menu, you’d probably be able to guess the whole thing sight unseen.  There’s grilled cheese, mac & cheese, small burgers, hot dogs, and chicken nuggets.  Every kid’s entrée comes with one side.  Choices include fries, mashed potatoes, and pub fries.  You were expecting maybe Tourchon Fois Gras and Rabbit a la Moutarde with a side of Pommes Dauphine? 

Mac & Cheese with pub fries on the side – yummy.  Can you say, “Early onset of Type 2 diabetes?”  In deference to the modern health food craze, there are healthy choices like broccoli (yuck) and celery sticks (even more yuck).  Do the Beef ‘O’ Brady people really believe that broccoli and celery sticks are the two vegetables kids most desire?  Even the President of the U.S. won’t eat those vegetables.  My best bet for the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl is that Beef ‘O’ Brady’s restaurants don’t have any broccoli or celery in the kitchen at all and nobody knows the difference.  In fact, to all you kids out there, if your parents take you to Beef ‘O’ Brady’s and then order celery sticks for you, there are lawyers who will sue to get you a new set of foster parents. 

Beef ‘O’ Brady’s does give the kids free refills of milk or juice, instead of free refills of soft drinks like all those other guys.  That’s a nice touch for which I must give Beef ‘O’ Brady’s credit. 

As you can imagine, any place that caters to kids is guaranteed to be so noisy and obnoxious that it will make anyone over the age of 18 to lose their appetite.  If your girlfriend suggests that you take her to Beef ‘O’ Brady’s for dinner this Saturday Night you better start reading between the lines. 

Naturally, Beef ‘O’ Brady’s knows that any family silly enough to go to dinner with the kids wants nothing more than to get the rid of the kids they just intentionally dragged along.  For that reason, Beef ‘O’ Brady’s adds to family togetherness at meals by providing a game room where your kids can disappear and give all the money you designated for betting the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl to Beef ‘O’ Brady’s by feeding it into the game-machine slots.  Wave bye-bye to the betting bankroll.

TIP:  Here’s a tip for preserving your bankroll while eating at Beef ‘O’ Brady’s.  Tell your kids that you can’t afford to give them any money for the game room.  Then let them run amuck in the aisle of the restaurant juiced on all those carbs from the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Kid’s Menu.  Eventually, either the restaurant manager or the people at the surrounding tables will point out to you that there is great game room.  At this point you know that their kids are in the game room and therefore they are defenseless.  They have no kids around to harass you and get revenge.  When they suggest that you send your kids to the game room, put on your saddest face and tell them you’d love to, but you’re unemployed and this is the first time all year that you have been able to save enough from odds jobs to take the family out for the special occasion of your wife’s birthday. 

Either the manager will give your kids free coins for the game room to get them out of the aisles, or the surrounding patrons will take up a collection to send your little monsters to the game room to keep their little monsters company.

Conclusion:  Your kids get to play in the game room, you get an hour of peace and quiet over your desert and coffee – unless the people at the next table have also read this tip – and you can still make a bet on the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl. 

Important:  If your table neighbor puts on a sad face and says he can’t afford to send his brats to the game room, DO NOT contribute to the collection.  Instead, insist that the manager send the food-fighting little gangsters to the game room for free or you and your family will get their weekly dose of excess cholesterol somewhere else from now on.  You can also claim the restaurant has violated the implied warranty of peaceful dining, and refuse to pay for the meal, which will give you even more money to bet the bowls.   

When it comes to betting the bowls, the bowl games are the strongest, most reliable and most formful part of the year for handicapping.  We’ve been burning up the gridiron with and incredible 61% bowl winners over the entire 20-year history of the Crowne Club. 

Stop wondering where the beef might be.  It'll be on your bookmkar's balck eye that you give me with my “WHERE’S THE BEEF PACKAGE”  up right now with the winning side and total in the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl

If your tastes run more to chateaubriand than sliders and fries, then you can get the same selections plus everything else we put out on the remaining 32 games and 64 playable propositions in the Bowls with my FULL BOWL PACKAGE that gives you every play, the big and small, all the way through the BCS Bowl in January.  Get either today’s package or the Full Bowl Package by CLICKING HERE.    

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