There’s no crying in baseball, and there are no wussies in football. At least, there didn’t used to be any wussies in football.
Football players are supposed to be super tough guys, and their fans are supposed to be super- tough-guy wannabes. Football players used to wear leather helmets, and be bare-armed in sub-zero weather. Concussions didn’t exist. If a player got knocked out, the coach revived him with smelling salts and put him back in the game. There were no heaters or mist machines on the sidelines. When it rained, the players got wet and muddy. The water barrel had real water in it, not that sport-drink soda pop they fill it with now. No one could drink from the water barrel because it would freeze solid. You could see bloody bandages trapped in the ice. Football fans wore wool hats, earmuffs, gloves, scarves and long underwear. Icicles hung from their noses. The idiots who paint their bare chests would need treatment for frostbite when they were done posing for the cameras.
Football without the wind, rain, snow, cold, and mud is like poker being played online without being able to see the physical player tells. It just isn’t the same game.
Football was a man’s game until the current “release-your-female-side” generation came along. Suddenly, football wasn’t played in stadiums anymore. Now, it’s played in domes.
No longer do the fans have to worry about the cocoa freezing in the thermos. Warmth used to come from a flask. Today, it comes from the sun lamps at the spa and tanning salon inside the dome. Among the services offered at the dome for alleged males are body waxing and pedicures. They even replaced the horse troughs in the men’s room with urinals and privacy screens.
This weekend, the Minnesota missy men got their comeuppance. A little snow fell, and the roof of their Wussie Dome collapsed. The fans in freezing cold Minneapolis thought they could watch football in warmth and comfort. As a result, they have no place to watch football at all.
It’s not the first time the Minneapolis Metrodome roof has collapsed. Incredibly, it’s the FOURTH time!. You’d think they might consider changing architects, or putting heating elements in the roof. Better yet, they ought to consider tearing the roof down and leaving it down. It’s time to play real football in Minnesota again.
The cold in Minneapolis is no excuse. It gets cold in Green Bay too, but you don’t see the Pack putting a dome over their heads. Green Bay is one of the few remaining real football towns. It gets just as cold in Buffalo, but they also still play in a stadium. Those places, however, have become the holdouts and throwbacks. The game seems to have permanently changed.
To show you the extent to which the wussies have taken over football, after this week’s latest stadium collapse in Minneapolis, the Vikings moved from their own domed fiasco to another one in Detroit. There is even a dome in Tampa Bay, Florida. You would think that carrying their parasols would be sufficient to protect all those Florida Football Fairies from rain and sunburn. If Tampa Bay had installed refrigeration and snow-makers, a dome in Florida might have made some sense.
On Monday night, the Giants, formerly of the South Bronx, went to Detroit and humiliated the Minnie Missies. You should have known it was going to happen. Wussies don’t win in football. Besides, dome or no dome, Detroit looks very similar to the South Bronx when the Giants were there. The Giants probably thought they had finally come home.